“I love a person, addicted to alcohol. When he is sober - this is a wonderful lover, husband, father, partner. A question of treatment is no longer relevant, we discussed it lots of times. He is a doctor himself - it is impossible to persuade him or cure, we tried. Should I keep relations or it is better to quit them, until it is not too late? Recurring drunkenness, fear for myself and child, shame, and everything good we have, I wrote about before. Who faced this problem and which decision was made?”
Life with alcoholic is like a love triangle - you, he, and his addiction. Your partner’s dangerous habit assimilates his time, forces and attention. He cannot belong to you, as he is not free.
Alcoholic is not necessarily a man, who is wandering around staggering with a bottle and gets drunk till he loses consciousness. If he does not drink since morning till evening, this does not mean he is not alcohol addicted. Alcoholic - is the one who cannot live without alcohol. Of course, a bottle of beer does not make him an alcoholic, if he drinks it on a day off. But several bottles of beer every day after work - this is alcoholism already. It is very difficult to discover sings of this disease on the first stage. Everything usually starts with controlled drunkenness: on every party, presentation, banquet, supper with clients, or at home, “to relax”. Unfortunately, everyone, who takes alcoholic drinks systematically in a company, runs a risk to become an alcoholic. And people, predisposed to alcoholism, pass through this stage very quickly.
Majority of alcoholics refuse their addiction categorically. Because admitting it - means agreeing with the fact that you are helpless, that you live in a constant nightmare and come-down. The most terrible thing in alcoholism is that it deprives a person of a wish to get rid of this bad habit, restricts his ability to feel and share. A person becomes unable to emotional closeness.
If you love an alcoholic, be ready, that following things will appear in your mutual life:
- galvanic and inconsistent behavior;
- fits of fury and violence;
- prolonged periods of depression;
- irresponsibility;
- emotional deafness and coldness;
- lowered sexual activity;
- scuffles and scandals;
- constant irritability;
- instability of relations.
If you are married to alcoholic, do not close your eyes on this problem. Your partner is seriously ill, he needs professional help. This may seem too sharp, but any professional will tell you that patience, understanding and love cannot cure a one from alcoholism. Continuing to be loving and understanding, you indulge his addiction. Judge yourself: he keeps on drinking, changes nothing in his behavior, and you are always near, solve his problems, read to understand, forgive. Why should he change his habits? Shall he exert himself if everything goes the same way, no matter what he does?
Your partner just does not think about it. Moreover, he will refuse his illness. Or he will say he is not ready yet, that it is not so easy, that he needs to wait an appropriate moment and so on. All this is an excuse - “a complex of denial”.
It is very difficult to come out of such relations. You may feel you’re a traitor, delivering a serious blow to your partner. A subconscious sense of guilt may prevent you from breaking these relations, even when your life with him turns to be a hell.
Presence of children in family can complicate the situation even more. Parents, from whom a child is dependent, are too weak to protect him. In fact, such family often is a source of threat and harm for a child, not a source of protection and safety. When parents quarrel with each other or struggle with their problems, they have no time for children. As a result, a child is thirsting for love, not knowing whether he should trust this feeling, and in fact considering himself unworthy of love.
Experience, gained in such family, has a destructive impact on a personality, that is why those who have such experience are trying to become strong through helping other people. They need ones, whom they can help, to feel themselves in safety. Only this way they can feel themselves necessary. This way the circle is locked. A child, who grew in a family with an alcoholic, often chooses a similar partner for himself, or becomes an alcoholic himself.
Normal love relationships are possible only when a person recovers and gets rid of his harmful addiction. Until he is not free, he will not be able to give you what you need. At least, love yourself - leave this person, until the situation becomes worse.
What to do?
- Quit playing a role of a “savior”. Members of a family often try to help an alcoholic to get out of various situations, connected with misuse of alcohol. It is important to quit all such actions of life-saving immediately, so that an alcoholic would answer for consequences of his drunkenness himself in full measure - as a result, a wish to quit drinking may appear in him.
- Members of a family often try to help an alcoholic to get out of various situations, connected with misuse of alcohol. It is important to quit all such actions of life-saving immediately, so that an alcoholic would answer for consequences of his drunkenness himself in full measure - as a result, a wish to quit drinking may appear in him.
- Search support for yourself. No matter whether an alcoholic agrees to treatment or not, other people’s support will be helpful for you, and also help of professionals, investigating this problem. Group training will help you to realize that you are not responsible for your partner’s actions, and that you need to take care of yourself, regardless of agreement of disagreement of alcoholic to treatment.
- Tell you partner that you refuse from living with him. Explain him that you will be with him only under one clause - if he applies for help immediately. Be ready to fulfill your threat. If a partner does not start actions immediately, break with him for keeps. Do not come back until he recovers completely, until his behavior changes radically.
- Be ready to help. Collect information on various methods of treatment beforehand. If an alcoholic agrees to treatment, offer him to go to the first visit to a doctor together. However, here it is important not to take responsibility on yourself, otherwise, everything will go the same way. A partner should understand that everything depends only on him.
Am I to blame?
There are several reasons, according to which people are inclined to keep on such relations. Moreover, often a woman, who parted one alcoholic, finds another one some time later…
- Family story
Life with alcoholic is like a daily road trip. Raises and slumps, surprises, maneuvers, abruptness and instability of relationships cause constant shaking of a nervous system. If a serious trauma takes place, then the next day a person may feel a certain emotional raise. This happens because a body sense shock, and adrenalin is thrown to blood in extremely big quantities. It is adrenalin that causes euphoria. If you are struggling with depression, then you are unconsciously searching for situations, keeping you in excited state. If you grew in a family of alcoholics, then your depression, most likely, has 2 reasons: your past and your genetic inheritance. Excitement of relations with a person, suffering from such disease, may attract you a lot.
Life with alcoholic is like a daily road trip. Raises and slumps, surprises, maneuvers, abruptness and instability of relationships cause constant shaking of a nervous system. If a serious trauma takes place, then the next day a person may feel a certain emotional raise. This happens because a body sense shock, and adrenalin is thrown to blood in extremely big quantities. It is adrenalin that causes euphoria. If you are struggling with depression, then you are unconsciously searching for situations, keeping you in excited state. If you grew in a family of alcoholics, then your depression, most likely, has 2 reasons: your past and your genetic inheritance.
- Fear for responsibility for yourself
You want to feel your own superiority, magnitude. When you have got near your partner, whose life is chaotic, you start feeling better, more intelligent, more efficient. Playing a role of a hero, you close your eyes on your disadvantages, your own weakness. Chumming in with people, whose problems require solution, or getting to chaotic, uncertain and emotionally disadvantage situations, you avoid thoughts of responsibility for your own life. Going deep into dramatic problems, you refuse from looking inside of yourself and making wise decisions concerning important aspects of your life.
- Syndrome of a life-saver
You need to command. When you get to a situation, when you need to save your partner, you gain huge power over him. This is one of the most efficient methods of manipulation over people. Unconsciously such person is guided by fear of loneliness and unfaithfulness, thus he provides his safety, taking key positions. You need a partner, who needs to be rescued all the time - only this way you can feel you are competent and protected. You use your partner in your own way, not less then he uses you.
- Love is a narcotic
You use your relationships like a narcotic, avoiding the feelings, you would have to feel in loneliness. The more agonizing your communication with a man becomes, the stronger it distracts you from reality. The most terrible relations serve the same reason, as a very string narcotic does for a complete drug addict. But you become unsociable without a partner, whom you can accentuate your attention on.
- Idealization
You invent an image of an ideal partner and live in your world of fancies. In this world a partner, whom you are unhappy with, turns to be your dream man, but only with your help. You concentrate not on a real man, but on your fancy about how good he could be and you are ready to do everything in your power for this. It seems to you that a happy moment will come in a little. But a person can change himself only if he wishes this himself.
If you are attracted to people, suffering from serious problems, ask yourself: whether I mix up compassion with love? Whether I am inclined to co-dependence? A key word in people’s relations is respect. You should not only love your partner, but also respect him, be proud of him. Take your time to decide what you want from love relations, and then make a decisive step towards yourself.
If life drives you into a corner and you do not know how to find a way out of the situation - tell about your problems in our blog or forum. Our psychologist-consultant and readers will value the situation from their direction, tell their opinion and suggest ways of their solution.
Yana Mikheeva is the creator of the WomansPassions site for women and about women at http://www.womanspassions.com, it is an on-line resource for women and about women. Here you can find articles on various subjects, such as: diets, receipts, health, cellulite, figure, aromatherapy, wholesome food, psychology of relationships, pregnancy, parenting, fashion and many others.
She also has a blog for women at http://www.womanspassions.com/blog/
Friday, October 10th, 2008
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