There’s nothing more disconcerting, nothing you can count on
more, and nothing more valuable to learn how to prepare for than
change.
I’m not talking about preparing for each individual change as it
comes up. This is an inefficient and reactive way to operate. I
mean preparing your SELF proactively for the inevitable changes
you will encounter throughout your lifetime so that you remain
prepared as part of who you are. This is about emotional
intelligence, or competency, and this is how you do it.
CHANGES
Just when you think everything’s settled, and the way it’s going
to be, along comes a change.
Some of these changes will be good - you get a promotion
out-of-the-blue, or suddenly find out you’re pregnant after
trying for some time, or the dream house you’ve been looking for
comes on the market long before you expected it to or were
prepared to move.
Some of these changes will be difficult - a transfer you didn’t
want, getting laid off, empty nest, or losing a lover, partner
or loved one.
Whether anticipated or not, whether wanted or not, things
change, and how we deal with this is a sign of our emotional
intelligence (EQ), or competency.
TIPS
1.Label it immediately a transition.
You are not lost in space (no longer a mother), nor at the end
of the line (retirement), nor is it the end of the world
(getting laid off). You are in the space between one thing and
another; a transition. You are not going to create the future,
and recreate yourself. 2.Keep constant what you can and take
care of yourself.
The first thing most counselors will tell you is something like,
“Eat breakfast at the same time every day,” or “Take a warm
bath.”
It’s comforting to recognize what in your life has NOT changed,
and you always need to practice extreme self-care, but
particularly at times when the earth seems to be moving beneath
you feet.
3.To handle the emotions, lead with the body.
If your body is tense, you will feel tense. Work from the
direction of your body - exercise, or get massages.
There is something healing in the human touch that exercise
can’t bring you. It is widely reported in the literature how
important massages can be in times of strain.
4.Use your social support network.
I’m sure you’ve helped others; now it’s their time to help you.
We all go through difficult times, it’s just your time now.
Those friends are one of the constants in your life when other
things have changed. Get with people who can sing your song when
you’ve forgotten it.
5.If your change brings you time, enjoy it.
Try a new hobby or get in touch with an old one. How long since
you last did needlework? Could you take the trip you’ve been
wanting to take? Use this time to improve yourself - study art,
take a computer course, read great literature.
6.Don’t worry.
Worry does no good. When you worry, you stress yourself
physiologically, when you are already under stress to begin
with. 7.Grieve.
No matter how good a change is, there will be something you’re
leaving behind. Retiring means not having to work any more, but
you lose your professional persona. This ambivalence - feeling
both good and bad at the same time, or simply confused - is part
of any change or transition. If you tamp down one emotion, you
tamp them all down. It’s an immutable law. Be willing to be sad,
so you can be glad. 8.Don’t judge your emotions.
Just let them be. The more you consider it bad to feel sad, the
more you’ll fight it, and the more power it will have over you.
We all prefer what’s called the “positive” emotions, but there
are others. 9.Hire a certified emotional intelligence coach.
A certified EQ coach is trained to help you at the meta-level,
which is what you need. At times of change and transition, you
need to deal with many things - relationships AND career AND
money AND your emotions AND life balance AND your business AND
your kids. When one thing changes in your life, it will affect
everything in your life, and the scope involves more than a
Career Coach, or Life Balance Coach, or Relationship Coach or
Small Business Coach has been trained for. The most important
thing to deal with will be the emotions. In order to function
and move forward, you need to manage your emotions and those of
those around you, who will also have been affected. This falls
within the wide scope of a certified EQ coach. TOOLS
The best tool you can have for handling transitions is a high
EQ. Tips are tips, but a tool is something you need to get the
job done. Why use a kitchen knife when you could be using a
power screwdriver? Resilience, an EQ Competency One of the EQ
competencies, resilience is particularly important. Resilience
means being able to bounce back from losses, rejections, and
adversities while remaining hopeful. The worse outcome of an
adversity is to become bitter and cynical. Developing your EQ is
a preventative measure, guarding your attitude and ability to
enjoy your life in the future. You will learn how to weather
storms on an as-needed basis!
Building your EQ means building your ability to keep “stress”
from becoming “strain.” Think of an expansion bridge. It’s built
resilient (about to bounce) so when the wind blows, it won’t
snap. If it were rigid, the “stress” might turn into “strain”
and it would buckle under the pressure.
See the difference? You want, need, and will always have
“stress” in your life, but “strain” can damage you.
WHERE TO BEGIN?
1. Take an EQ foundational course. (
http://www.susandunn.cc/courses.htm ).
2. Work with a certified EQ coach.
You must work with someone trained in the field. You can’t
“just” read about EQ. Taking a course is a necessary first step
to acquaint you with terminology and to reframe what you already
know, but then you must put these things into practice in real
life. You will improve with feedback. TO PREVAIL
Last but not lease, if you’re going through a major change,
prepare to be a stronger person when it’s over - IF you have
developed your resilience.
“Adversity is another way to measure the greatness of
individuals,” said Lou Holtz, American football coach. “I never
had a crisis that didn’t make me stronger.”
In light of this, you might interview a potential coach to see
what major crises and changes they have mastered. The “untested”
are only talking theoretically, and you’ll hear the difference.
This personal growth and triumph is the optimal result of going
through change, but we all know people who cratered under
strain.
Develop your emotional intelligence and your crises can make you
stronger, not weaker. Get proactive. Give emotional intelligence
a try!